I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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