But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
