I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
