I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize