carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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