Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize