I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
