I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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