i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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