can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
