life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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