it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
