She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
