My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
