The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
