there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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