piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize