I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Randomize
