why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
