So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
