i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
