i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize