i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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