Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
