i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
