Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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