I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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