mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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