When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
