he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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