i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
