Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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