I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
