i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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