Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
