I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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