I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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