I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
