I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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