Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i now understand why vodka
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
