the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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