Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
it's like iHOP with fire
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
