wat bout pragnant strippers??
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he wants to bone in the snuggie
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
