An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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