is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Randomize
