sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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