The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
