I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
