Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
