how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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