Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
