Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
