she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize