i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Someone came in the potted fern
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
