this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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