she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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