it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
