the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
