My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
