then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
