I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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