My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
