the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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