I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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