I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You know, be my cock's hype man.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
