Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize