Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Please don't give away my fajitas
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
