Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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