I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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