I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize